What is dating violence?

Dating violence is when someone you're dating or have dated in the past tries to control you or makes you feel scared, unsafe, or hurt. It's not just about physical harm—it can also be things like constantly checking your phone, pressuring you to do things you're not comfortable with, or making you feel bad about yourself. It's important to know that this is not okay and that you deserve to be in a relationship where you feel respected, safe, and happy.

Below is a video that shows what it’s like in a relationship with dating violence. It’s not always obvious, and it can be hard to notice when it’s happening. Abuse often starts gradually and isn’t easy to spot in the beginning. People who abuse usually seem great at first. They act nice and caring to win you over, but over time, they can become more controlling and aggressive. This gradual change makes it hard to recognize abuse because we might still see them as the person they were at the start.

When you’re so close to the situation, it can be even harder to see the entire picture. We might hold on to that initial image of them which makes their current behavior even more confusing. Being in the middle of it can make it difficult to realize that what’s happening.

Dating Violence - Power and Control in Relationships:

The power and control wheel below gives us a good idea of what this might look like and may be helpful when we need to “zoom out” when something is feeling off.

On the wheel you’ll find things like:

• Emotional Abuse: Involves controlling behavior, guilt-tripping, gaslighting, and playing mind games used to try and manipulate how someone is feeling or how they’re viewing a situation.

• Verbal Abuse: Includes insults, name-calling, yelling, and other forms of verbal aggression used to lower how someone is feeling about themselves.

• Destruction of personal property: Includes damaging or destroying your belongings to intimidate or control you.

• Intimidation: Involves making you feel scared or unsafe through threats, invading personal space, being possessive, stalking, and other intimidating actions.

• Restriction of Freedom: Includes controlling where you can go, who you can see, what you can do, or what you can wear, limiting your freedom and independence.

• Abuse of Authority: Involves someone in a relationship acting like they have the right to make decisions for you, control what you do, think, or believe, or use their position in your life to manipulate you.

• Sexual Abuse: Includes any unwanted or non-consensual sexual activity, exposure, or behavior, including coercion, manipulation, or assault.

• Physical Abuse: Involves any form of physical harm or violence, such as hitting, punching, kicking, shaking,or grabbing.

Equality in Relationships:

In relationships, understanding equality is just as important as knowing what power and control looks like. It's about knowing what's fair, feeling heard, and never feeling like your choices don't matter. When we get this, we can spot the good stuff early—like trust, respect, and feeling safe to be ourselves. It's not just about avoiding the bad stuff; it's about building something awesome together. The equality wheel below gives us some awesome examples of the baseline ways we should treat our partners and the ways we should be treated by our partners in return.

On the wheel you’ll find things like:

• Honesty and Accountability: Being truthful and transparent and making sure that it feels safe for all people involved to do so. Accepting responsibility for actions, apologizing, and following the apology up with an actual change in behavior.

• Non-threatening Behaviors: Making a commitment to not use any behaviors that instill fear, coercion, or intimidation and instead fostering a safe and comfortable environment.

• Negotiation and Fairness: Talking through decisions, compromising when needed, and resolving conflicts fairly, with both partners having an equal say and consideration.

• Communication: Open, honest, and respectful communication where both partners actively listen, are able to express themselves, and validate each other's feelings and thoughts.

• Shared Responsibility: Sharing responsibilities, decisions, and contributions equitably to maintain balance and avoid one-sided dynamics.

• Respect: Valuing each other's opinions, boundaries, and autonomy while treating each other with kindness, empathy, and dignity. Listening fully to understand where the other is coming from.

• Trust and Support: Being reliable, honest, and supportive, and being able to trust no one is going to try and cause harm. Respecting autonomy and each other’s rights and feelings. (Jealousy and envy are natural emotions, but they should never be used as excuses for harmful behavior or control over a partner. It's our responsibility to manage these feelings safely.)

• Independence and Autonomy: Respecting each other's freedom and personal space while encouraging each person to grow and be themselves within the relationship. Knowing that we can be in relationships with other people while still being our own person.

How often does dating violence happen?

Getting Help

Why do we need to reach out for help?

Imagine that each time someone experiences dating violence, they become entangled in difficult emotions and unsafe situations, like if they were being wrapped up in ribbon. For instance, if their partner starts using emotional abuse, they might start becoming entwined. With verbal abuse, they become more entangled. As intimidation and physical violence escalate, the entanglement grows, making it increasingly challenging to function normally. They feel trapped and unable to free themselves from the impacts of dating violence.

This is why having a support system is crucial. A supportive person can step in, offering help to unravel the entanglement. They can check in, provide support, connect them to resources for safety, and validate their feelings. This support helps them start the process of unwrapping themselves from the effects of dating violence. It's vital to reach out for help if experiencing these issues or to offer help to others in need.

Animation created by Evelyn Clark.

Tools to get help

Safety Planning:

• What is a safety plan?

  A Safety Plan is like a guide to help you stay safer if you're in a relationship where someone is hurting or controlling you. It's made just for you and your situation, and it helps you think ahead about what to do if things get worse. Your safety plan can change whenever you need it to, depending on what's happening and what will make you feel safest. It's all about helping you be ready and feel more secure, no matter what the person using abusive behavior might do.

• Why are safety plans important?

  Everyone deserves to feel loved, respected, and safe in their relationships. When someone is in a relationship where they are being hurt or controlled, it's crucial to understand that it is not their fault. They cannot control the abusive behavior of the other person. This is where safety planning becomes so important. A safety plan helps to think of ways to stay as safe as possible, whether a person decides to end the relationship or not.

How do we make a safety plan?

1. Take Your Time: Go through each section of the safety planning guide linked below at your own pace. The guide includes a series of questions to help you identify your safety options.

2. Answer the Questions: Use the questions in the guide to think about different aspects of your safety. These questions are designed to help you come up with specific strategies that work for you.

3. Get Support: You can use this tool on your own, or you can go through it with a friend or an adult you trust. Having someone supportive can help you think of ideas you might not have considered.

4. Reach Out for Help: If you need assistance and don't know who to talk to, you can call our helpline at 1-800-315-5579. You'll speak with a kind, trained, non-judgmental advocate who can help you develop your safety plan. Keep in mind that advocates are mandated reporters and can talk to you about what that means.

Remember, your safety is important, and it's okay to ask for help when you need it.

Helping a Friend?

When a friend is experiencing abuse in their relationship, it can be challenging to know how to help. Here are some tips you can try if you want to support them:

Stay Connected: Sometimes, a person using the tactics on the power and control wheel may try to isolate their partner from friends, family, and other supports. It's important to stay connected with your friend. Spend time together, check in on them, and make sure they know you're there for them. Your support can make a big difference.

Reactions in Conversations: When a friend confides in you about what's happening, be mindful of how you react. Hearing about their experience can be tough, but your response is crucial in helping them feel supported. Here are some things to keep in mind:

• Comfort First: Focus on comforting your friend. They need to feel safe and supported.

• Stay Calm: You might feel angry about the situation, but avoid making threats or speaking negatively. This can make things feel more stressful and unsafe for your friend.

• Listen Carefully: Let your friend share their experience without making assumptions. Listen to understand, not to judge.

• Validate Their Feelings: Reassure your friend that their feelings are valid. When someone is using abusive tactics they invalidate their partner's feelings, so your support can be very reassuring.

• Create Distractions: If you see something happening in the moment and it's safe to do so, try to change the subject or create a distraction to take attention away from the abusive behavior.

Get Help and Offer Resources: Encourage your friend to talk to a trusted adult and let them know that resources are available. Our helpline, 1-800-315-5579, is always open to offer support and advice.

Change the Conversation: Make talking about relationships a normal part of your conversations. Speak up against jokes about violence or victim-blaming to help change the social norms that make these behaviors seem acceptable.

Supporting a friend experiencing abuse can be challenging, especially if they react negatively to your help. It's important to remember that it can be hard to see abuse when you're in the relationship. Your friend might not recognize the abusive behavior or may feel embarrassed or defensive. Their reaction isn't about you—it's about the difficult situation they're in. Be patient, continue to offer support, and let them know you're there for them no matter what. Your understanding and persistence can make a significant difference in helping them feel safe and supported.

Additional resources that can help:

Break the Cycle is an organization specifically for ages 12-24 to promote healthy relationships and gives resources for teens, parents, and educators. There are opportunities for trainings and teen dating violence awareness campaigns.

Love is Respect is an organization specific for ages 12-24 that promotes healthy relationships, has resources about teen dating violence for teens, parents, and educators. It even has quizzes that can tell you whether your relationship is healthy, unhealthy, or abusive.

One Love Foundation is another resource for ages 12-24 that promotes healthy relationships, provides resources and trainings about teen dating violence.

Futures Without Violence is a great resource for organizations and educators. There are opportunities for trainings and teen dating violence awareness campaigns.

National Safe Place is a youth outreach and prevention program for young people under the age of 18 (up to 21 years of age in some communities) in need of immediate help and safety

StopTDV is a resource that can help give more information about what dating violence looks like, additonal tips for creating safety plans, and games to help understand how gradually dating violence can happen