Domestic violence is defined as patterns of behavior in a relationship used to gain power and control over a partner.
While 85% of domestic violence victims identify as women, it happens to people of all genders, sexual orientations, ages, races, nationalities, religions, and economic statuses. Domestic abuse is most likely to occur within intimate couples who are married, living together, or dating, but it also includes stalking, elder abuse, and commercial sex trafficking.
It can sometimes be difficult to know whether you are being abused, especially if your partner or caregiver says they love you, showers you with attention, buys gifts, and contributes to household expenses like groceries or rent. They may not even be physically abusive toward you. People who are abusive will often act loving and supportive as a way to keep you in the relationship.
“ Your partner’s loving behavior never makes their abusive behavior acceptable.”
Domestic abuse varies in frequency and severity. It’s often difficult to determine in the “honeymoon” stages of a relationship if a partner will become abusive. People who abuse often seem wonderful and perfect in the early days of a relationship. Typically, they are on their best behavior to lure you in and create dependency, but gradually become more aggressive and controlling as your relationship continues. It makes sense since you probably wouldn’t stay in a relationship with a person who revealed their abusive behavior in the beginning.
Over time, an abuser, or batterer, may use any combination of tactics of abuse – physical, economic, emotional, and sexual – to terrorize, intimidate, manipulate, and gain control over you, their victim.
> PHYSICAL ABUSE - is the intentional use of physical force with the potential for causing you harm, injury, or even death.
Your partner may push, shove, grab, scratch, throw, bite, shake, poke, slap, punch, strangle, or hit you. They may also use a weapon, restraints, or their physical strength to exert power over you. Denying access to medical care, forcing you to use drugs or alcohol, or causing sleep deprivation are also forms of physical abuse. A partner who is abusive might also physically harm your children or pets in order to cause you distress. Many people falsely associate domestic violence only with physical abuse, and often victims ignore other forms of abuse if they are not being physically harmed by their partner. It is important to note that most intimate partner relationships where there is abuse do not start off with physical violence.
> ECONOMIC ABUSE - involves maintaining control over your financial resources, withholding access to money, or preventing you from working or attending school.
A partner who is abusive may prevent you from accessing financial accounts, coerce you to take out debt in your name, criticize or control your spending, or refuse to work or contribute financially to the household themselves. Financial abuse is one of the most powerful methods an abusive partner might use to keep you trapped in the relationship. Consumed with concern about your ability to independently provide for yourself and your children, you may be unable to see a way out of an abusive situation.
> EMOTIONAL ABUSE - is when your partner or caregiver willfully damages your self-esteem, identity or development.
Emotional abuse is one of the hardest forms of abuse to recognize. It can be subtle and covert or obvious and manipulative. Their words and behaviors chip away at your self-esteem and you begin to doubt your perceptions and reality. Forms of emotional abuse in a relationship may include humiliating or degrading you, withholding affection, threatening to harm you or someone you care about, blaming you and yelling at you repeatedly, and inducing fear with their words and actions. They might exhibit other controlling behaviors, such as threatening loss of custody of your children, isolating you from your family or friends, and destroying your property. The underlying goal in emotional abuse is to control you by discrediting, isolating, and silencing. While it does not leave visible scars, emotional abuse can have a significant and lasting impact on your mental health and wellbeing. Unfortunately, over time may take a toll on your physical health too. Emotional abuse can cause a number of health problems including depression and anxiety to stomach ulcers, heart palpitations, eating disorders, and insomnia.
> SEXUAL ABUSE - is when a person uses force, coercion, humiliation, or psychological intimidation to pressure you to engage in a sexual act against your will, whether or not the act is completed.
A person who is abusive may touch or penetrate you without consent, force you to be naked in front of them, restrict you from practicing safer sex, sabotage your birth control, or expose you to pornographic material. If this occurs in your marriage, on a date, or by a caregiver or family member, it is considered sexual abuse. In fact, you are in more danger of being sexually assaulted or raped by someone you have a relationship with than by a stranger, and more likely to be a victim of sexual violence in a private home than anywhere else.
In all relationships, we occasionally do things that cause our partner to be frustrated or upset with us. We are human beings and this is normal. Perhaps you promised to mail a package at the post office for them while running errands, but you got distracted and forgot. Or you invited friends over for an impromptu dinner on an evening your spouse is feeling under the weather. Maybe you felt so overwhelmed caring for young children all day that when your partner arrived home from work, you impatiently accused them of never helping with childcare. Even when someone has a legitimate cause to be upset with your behavior, it does not give them permission to abuse you. No one has the right to harm or humiliate you, even if you have done something that displeases them. They are always 100% responsible for their own emotional regulation. An abuser will often try to make you feel as though their abusive behavior is your fault.
“Never accept that you have invited their abuse.”
Our services at NextStep support your path to awareness, safety, and freedom from abuse. Call our confidential 24/7 Helpline, 1-800-315-5579, to connect with a trained advocate who will listen, judgement-free, and help you understand the right next steps for you. You do not have to be in crisis to call, nor do you have to leave your relationship.
Access our safety planning, one-on-one counseling, support groups, and legal help. If you need a safe place to stay, we have a free emergency shelter and long-term supportive housing that may be available as you get back on your feet. Our team can assist you to find transportation, pet and child-care, financial planning, and community referrals along your healing journey. NextStep is always here for YOU.