The Men of NextStep

NextStep is fortunate to have dedicated volunteers who make a big difference in the number of services and support we can offer victims and survivors in Hancock & Washington Counties each year. Although most volunteers are women, we are very fortunate to have the help of some amazing men as well. Two, Eric Whitmore and Lewis Redding, represent how men can use their attributes and experience in a positive way to help the women and men whom we serve.

“THE GOON”

Eric Whitmore has volunteered for NextStep for the past decade. He had to come to grips with some of the stereotypes that men often carry around, which helped him to evolve. “Before NextStep, I was the main breadwinner in my household; however, I came down with a debilitating ailment that forced me to stop working and stay at home.

“Being disabled was a humbling experience. Suddenly, I saw my wife doing everything, which was hard to watch. I realize now that some of the things we talk about on the Power & Control Wheel were things I could identify with – I had lost my sense of “power,” which turned out to be a blessing because it opened the door for NextStep to come into my life. 

“Volunteering for NextStep gave me a purpose – helping others gave my life a new meaning. NextStep turned everything around for me, and now, the extensive training I’ve received allows me to help others.” 

Eric has seen firsthand what living with an abuser does to a woman’s self-esteem. “My wife had a friend over and I would hear them laughing in the other room. If I entered the room the laughter would suddenly stop and her friend would become very uncomfortable in my presence; no eye contact whatsoever. I didn’t know it at the time, but she was living with an abuser. I’m happy to say that she came and lived with us for about 6 months, broke up with the abuser, and has now turned her life around.

“Working with NextStep has taught me the signs to look for. We can provide help just by calling our helpline and asking for information if you suspect someone is living with an abuser. 

“I remember when I first started answering the helpline, a common reaction to my voice was ‘You’re a man’,” he said. “After listening to the victim, if they were comfortable talking to a man and didn’t ask for a woman instead, the call would often end with them being astonished and saying something like, ‘so you’re a guy and you think this is wrong.’ This was in response to them being told time after time that men are in charge.” 

Eric also knows the value of being a man when it comes to assisting survivors who have to go to court. “I stand in the way so an abuser can’t mess with the victim when they have to appear in court together,” he said. “Once, an abuser made a comment to our attorney, Rick Doyle, saying ‘Your NextStep goon wouldn’t let me go by her.” Eric liked being referred to as “The Goon,” a nickname that stuck. “Being a big guy is good in some ways,” he said with a chuckle.

Eric also co-facilitates weekly sessions of Step Forward, NextStep’s Washington County-based Violence Intervention Program for men who have perpetrated domestic violence. Violence Intervention Program Coordinator, Missy Fairfield, said, “As far as Eric goes, we are so fortunate to have him! I am required to have a male facilitator per state standards. Eric is able to provide a unique male perspective that I can’t provide. Often Eric chimes in about a relatable experience, such as being bullied or told not to cry as a young boy.  He’s able to connect with the male culture and I’m able to provide examples of what females experience in culture.  For example, men don’t look in their back seats before they get in, they don’t worry as much about being followed on the street.  

“And I have to say, that in the beginning, I didn’t think it was that necessary to have a male, but when I did group alone once, I felt an us vs. them mentality in the room that I hadn’t experienced before.  Eric is also so very knowledgeable about what victims experience that he’s able to help me keep the victims’ voice heard in the room. That is so important.  

“Plus, he’s just generally awesome, he’s got a great sense of humor which is imperative in this work.  He also reminds me there are honorable men in the world, and sometimes I really need that.” 

“I WISH THIS WORK WASN’T NECESSARY”

Bar Harbor resident Lewis Redding moved from California approximately 8 years ago, and after being in Maine for a time, he started looking around for things for which he could volunteer. “I saw a walk that was headed up by NextStep and I participated in it. Afterwards, I asked if there was something I could do. The response team came up in our conversation, and when I was available, I attended the training.

“I was aware of disparities in gender – men rule for better or worse, too often for worse, and I had also become aware of domestic violence.

“At first, I became part of providing education and would accompany Kelly Brown as a support person to do presentations, such as at the University of Maine in Ellsworth and Rotary clubs. We also presented to a group of summer employees at the Jordan Pond House; college-aged men and women who were made aware of the issue at a time when some may have been encountering issues of gender and difficulties in their own relationships for the first time.”

Once his education role subsided, Lewis took training to answer the helpline. He also sat in on the Batterers Intervention Program (BIP) program to give Eric Whitmore a break. “It’s an interesting mix of men who participate in the BIP program. Some are serious about it, some think it’s a joke, and others play games because their choice is to participate in the program or go to jail; some did what they had to do simply to get through the program. It seemed to me that most of the participants did want to change their behavior and there were certainly those who made serious efforts to understand their own behavior and to change. We do find some men who sincerely want to improve. They recognize the need for new thoughts to change their behavior.”

As far as the phones go, Lewis takes his role very seriously, staying home and close to the phone in case a call comes in. “It can be scary, and I know it’s just me, but I’m on edge whenever my shift comes around. I care so much about the NextStep staff, and I hope my backups don’t have to hear from me.” He is glad they are there, though. “From my own perspective the paid staff at NextStep clearly deserve the fullest credit. The volunteers provide some respite – at least I hope that we do.”

Assistant Director Kelly Brown affirmed Lewis’ abilities on the helpline. “Lewis is such a strong advocate because of his ability to listen. He is very quiet and soft spoken and when he does speak, it is usually to clarify and ask pertinent questions. Therefore, when he summarizes the conversation it is so specific to the situation and useful because he has spent all the time needed just listening and gathering information through an open dialogue. He never goes into a conversation over the helpline thinking he knows best or has the quick fix. He understands the barriers and complications. His approach is so genuine and it begins with sincere listening to the caller.”

When asked if he finds volunteering to be personally rewarding, Lewis was quick to respond. “This work is necessary; that’s why I do it. I wish it wasn’t, but it is. Most of the women who call the helpline are belittled to the point of having little, or no, self-esteem.” Lewis believes this is one of the reasons domestic violence remains seriously under-reported. "Through working with NextStep, they come around and start to realize it’s not their fault. The best thing we can do is to get them to understand that. Their resiliency is impressive – their situations are so difficult and complex. I am so impressed by those who call to acknowledge what is going on. They must deal with so much. I’m glad NextStep is here.” 

NextStep is glad Lewis and Eric are here!